


try to remember (try to forget)

by thecanary



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Growth, POV Second Person, Unhealthy Relationships, sizzle it up with taako era, stylistic no caps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 10:26:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16061180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecanary/pseuds/thecanary
Summary: just a bit of flashback fic about taako and sazed's relationship and some flashes to BoB era THB. no mention of story and song etc.





	try to remember (try to forget)

you dropped him oh so many times. realised slowly and surely how terrible he was, and demanded he leave. however, in his absense, you would forget. you'd think back on him and remember yourself laughing _'oh Sazed that fucking cracks me up i'm so glad you're here for me'_ and enjoying your life and sure you aren't now so it makes more sense that he was what brought you happiness.

 

you invite him back. he calls you fat. it's fine it's okay he's joking, you promise yourself, you should be fat anyway shouldn't you, no one trusts a skinny chef.

 

(they had such a good reason not to trust you, if only they had followed through)

 

you stalk off to the shops, buying ingredients, finding yourself drawn to what you know is his favourite even though you don't want him in your life anymore you still find yourself remembering him. he loves apples. you buy a dozen of them. sure you buy other things, but those dozen apples you pick carefully, an apology gift, you don't let them bruise and when you give them to him with an apologetic smile he grins, all sharp eyes and shining teeth _'I knew you'd change your mind taako'_ and he stands close to you, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and pressing a kiss to your neck. he smiles again. you should have seen the danger in him. he laughs, eating one of the apples you brought.

 

(after him you cant cook with apples. when magnus gives you a recipe for apple pie you drop it, as though it had scalded your hand. he looks apologetic, and you try to maintain your composure)

 

he's the most important person in your life. it doesn't say much when he's the only person you talk to regularly, but he keeps you grounded. sure, he can't go twenty minutes without insulting you, or your cooking, your personality, or your appearance, but he means well, its just to keep you grounded, keep you down to earth, remind you that you can't work on your own, or the attention would go straight to your head. _'we can't have that taako,'_ he would say, the smile on his face betraying nothing but friendliness. _'people don't like celebrities who act like they're celebrities.'_ you believe him. you cant believe yourself any more you overreact to everything, you hold ridiculous grudges, its so good to have someone normal around, someone whose brain isnt addled with self doubt and self hatred and narcissism. sazed is that person for you and he helps you clear the truth from the lies.

 

(even years after he is gone for good, even once you find magnus and merle, you still find yourself doubting, still find yourself relying on them. you pretend to be more confident in yourself but you never know when your mask is going to fall)

 

he loved you, you couldn't say that about anyone else in your life. he stuck around, he listened to you. you listened to him. he gave you advice, told you how to make your show more popular - you believed him most of the time.

_'hey taako, i know what i said about skinny chefs, but i have to say, its become a bit of a trademark for you. the elven wizard chef, a master at what he does, and beautiful too'_

you dont know how to reply. you know what he's trying to tell you. you're skinny now its part of who you are, now, when you see the slightest bulge in your hips, or your stomach round out as you look down on it, you know that that isnt what your fans want. how helpful of sazed to explain that to you.

 

_'Sazed i'm so glad you help me. its like, its us against the world man, and we're fucking winning'  
'my man, taako, you know I'm happy to do this with you, I love the show.'_

_'no i mean it, like, sure, i do all the cooking and pull in the crowds, but you help me keep them coming back, like, all the behind the scenes stuff i couldn't do without you'_

 

you trusted him above most other people, but then again, it wasn't as though you had many more people who didn't just appear in your life for a few days at a time, only to disappear forever. Sazed was the only person who really mattered in terms of being there.  you could have succeeded without him, you tried to convince yourself, on days when he had angered you and you couldn't imagine seeing his face again without screaming, but you always came around, even if neither of you apologised, spending time on the road without talking got boring, and grudges could be buried easily enough.

 

(maybe he just, buried his grudges with the intent of coming back to them, unlike you. you just let them slide, kept them in the back of your mind, and let them stack up all the same, but never would think of acting on them)

 

after one of your shows, when you're giving autographs, greeting your fans, saying your hellos, you meet someone whose bones are their most distinct feature, and when they talk about how much they loved eating your food, you can smell the bile in their breath. that meetings sticks with you. you had never realised how easy a solution there was. it didn't take long to form a habit. Sazed didn't question when you always made sure to have mint leaves with you, and that you were chewing them more often than not. if he knew what was going on, he didn't comment on it.

 

at least, it took a while for him to comment on it. as your clothes got looser, and you found your cheekbones appearing more prominent, your hips forming peaks on either side of your stomach when you lay on your back. somehow that just makes it worse. before, you didn't care that your cheeks were a bit chubby and shirts fit tightly on your chest, but as the weight dropped off, you only became more conscious of the touch of fabric on your stomach and hips, and when Sazed's hands ghosted your back and sides even if it was meant as some kind of possessive or comforting gesture, you never asked which, and it only made you think there was more there than there actually was.

 

(it haunts you nearly forever, that sense of wrongness as food remains in your stomach. even after your eating has long returned to normal, or as close as its going to get, sometimes you find yourself sprinting to the bin to spit your mouthful of food out, unable to stomach the thought of swallowing it. other times you might eat a normal meal, not caring at all about the feeling of food in your stomach, but your gag reflex disagrees, and you find yourself throwing up in your mouth, your body just begging you to get rid of the food.)

 

he caught you once after a show, far enough away from your caravan that you were surprised he'd found the same part of the woods that you were in, but you heard footsteps and looked up, only to make eye contact with Sazed. your fingers were covered in the remnants of whatever you had cooked that day and managed to eat, your nose was running and your eyes were watering.

 

he looks at you, and with a shake of his head, rolls his eyes.

 

_'you fucking idiot'_

 

as much as you wished you could argue your case, no words are coming to mind, and you just want to stick you hand down your throat and rip out your lungs because if you were dead you wouldn't have to face this situation. you pour water from your canteen over your hand and walk back to the caravan. you rummage through your pack and stick a mint leaf in your mouth - maybe Sazed would let you pretend that he hadn't seen, maybe he'd let you have that sense of denial.

 

apparently you were lucky. or he just didn't care enough to address it.

 

(once you were with Merle and Magnus you began to think the latter. they seemed surprised when you didn't eat for a couple of days, they kept an eye out when you started drinking as much water as possible after a meal, only to immediately run off. magnus and merle, hey, they seemed to care. sure, when magnus threw you around during training, you couldn't help holding your breath as his hands touched your waist, and when merle healed you, you knew that he wouldn't care for a joke that you didn't deserve it, but, you were working on it. maybe if you lied to yourself enough you could convince yourself you did deserve it. when magnus saw your face going red, your breaths shallow as he prepared to throw you - some pretence of a training exercise - you didn't even know how to tell him why. you didn't know why you needed to. and maybe that was it, maybe you wouldn't get better, maybe you'd still be sick, and suck in your stomach, and lie in bed for days if you didn't fit the clothes you wanted. maybe you would still have to stop eating something half way through, and chuck it wrapper and all under your bed. but maybe some days you would be able to cook again, and maybe sometimes you might ask to be healed, and maybe that would be enough for you.)

 

after the deaths, after the poison, after your fucking mistake, he left you. and that was that.

 

(you were still always worried people would keep leaving you. you worked with the bureau because you thought no one else would have you, but, people still wanted to take you in people still cared it didnt matter too much. and that was it. you learned how to make it stop mattering. you learned to accept people caring about you, and you learned that you didnt deserve what sazed said, that maybe, what was for the best, was him leaving.

 

and you reveled in that realisation.


End file.
